How To Talk To A Trans Parent About Their Pregnancy
Trystan Reese shares his experience carrying his son, Leo, and offers advice for treating trans parents with respect.
APR 6, 2018
This article was produced in partnership with Cosmopolitan Magazine.
Even though it's nothing new, trans pregnancy is slowly becoming more visible. That's largely because of people like Trystan Reese, a trans advocate, educator, and dad who shared his experience with pregnancy publicly in 2017.
In interviews and on a blog he shares with his partner, Biff Chaplow, Reese told the story of carrying and giving birth to their son Leo. Reese is far from the first trans dad to get pregnant and give birth, but his openness shown much-needed light on an experience that's commonly misunderstood. But being so open inadvertently opened Reese up to a barrage of questions about the nitty gritty details of his pregnancy with Leo, most of which were things no one would think to ask a cisgender person about their pregnancy.
"Every trans person I know who has given birth — and there are hundreds of us all over the world — they all get the same types of questions," Reese said. "People really do want to know what's the worst thing someone has said so far, and I don't always want to share that. They want to be titillated in that way, and they also want to learn what transphobia really looks like."
Reese added that, a lot of the time, he doesn't think people understand the implications of what they may be asking when they question a trans parent about their experience with pregnancy. A lot of that has to do with a general lack of understanding about what it's like to be both trans and pregnant at the same time. On top of the education Reese has already done through being so visible throughout his own pregnancy, he offered some advice on how to treat a trans parent with the same respect all pregnant people deserve.
On conception:
"How was the baby made?" falls into Reese's column of things you just really shouldn't ask about.
"When it comes to actual conception, you're asking about my sex life, basically," Reese said. "As much as it's possible to frame that in a positive way, we have lots of curiosities in our life, but that doesn't mean that we're going to have all of our questions answered. It's just best to not ask."
It'd be extremely intimate and a bit weird to ask any pregnant person how they made their baby. But Reese explained that, for trans people, questions about sex can feel especially loaded, given the cultural obsession about trans bodies and sexuality. This is one case where a question can feel more like a morbid curiosity or accusation. Reese suggests thinking about why you want to know the answer, and whether you're really entitled to one in the first place, before proceeding with the ask.
On the birth plan:
How someone plans to give birth is also really personal, and packs the extra punch of stigma. "The only question that I ever get asked is, did you have a c-section or a 'natural birth?'" Reese said. "That's so loaded for so many reasons. Number one, it's incredibly personal. Number two, there is implied that somehow a c-section is not natural."
Reese explained that there's an added layer of stigma in this question for trans people.
"What people often don't know is there is an obsession with trans bodies in our culture," he said. "When you ask [that], I hear that you are another person asking about my private parts. It's not that I'm embarrassed about the way that my birth went, it's that I'm so used to people being obsessed with what I have going on in my pants, that that question can feel really awkward and uncomfortable."
This is good advice for every pregnant person, but asking this more openly, like: "What was the birth like?" or "Was the birth different from what you expected?" is the better way to go. It allows someone to give as much or as little information as they want. Or, as Reese suggests, ask the happier question of, "What was it like when you first saw your baby?"
"Ask questions that have joy in them," he said.
On breast-feeding
Reese said he fielded a lot of questions about whether or not he would breast-feed throughout his pregnancy. To fit with the general theme that may be starting to sound familiar, this is, again, exceedingly personal.
"I get asked on Instagram, sometimes dozens of times a day, whether I'm breast-feeding," Reese said. "People are just curious. They want to know how I'm reconciling my body and my identity as a man with being a gestational parent. But to me that feels so personal and so invasive, because I'm so used to my body being treated as an object of fascination."
Reese explained that this sense of entitlement — that a stranger on Instagram feels they deserve to know how Reese or any trans parent is feeding their baby — is often nothing more than thinly masked transphobia.
"There's a sense of entitlement to trans bodies," Reese said. "I really invite people to examine that, and notice when it's happening for you, and then do what you can to remember that we are human beings."
If you're curious about whether it's possible for trans parents to breast-feed, that information is readily available online. Reese suggests asking a more open, positive-facing question. Rather than asking if someone plans to breast- or chest-feed their baby, ask about the joys of being a new parent, or what some of the unexpected challenges have been. If you feel you truly must know, Reese suggests phrasing it like, "have you thought about how you'e going to feed him?" Again, this invites someone to say as much or as little as they want.
On parenting
Reese thinks the stereotype that men are less qualified to parent, and are just generally kind of dumb when it comes to fatherhood, is disappointing. "It is strange that people still have this idea that there are things that mom does and things that dad does," he said. "[That] seems super limiting in my mind to straight people as well. I think we can all let go of those ideas about who is supposed to do this or that, and really embrace who is best at what."
As two male parents, Reese and Chaplow faced this even more. People would ask if he felt like the mom or the dad. Reese encourages thinking outside of that outdated parenting binary.
"As a friend, I would ask, how are you guys divvying up the roles of parenting?," Reese said. "Or maybe, what do you find you're really enjoying about being a new parent? Are there things that you're really good at that you didn't know you were gonna be good at, or are there things that are terrible that you expected were gonna be easier?"
Framing the question as "who's doing what?" eliminates gender roles that are unnecessary, anyway.
Reese said he also gets asked why he and Chaplow decided to refer to Leo as a boy, instead of allowing him to grow up and decide on his own gender. That's another really personal question, and Reese cautions it sounds more like an accusation than a genuine curiosity. He suggested a way to invite a discussion about gender that doesn't sound like an indictment of his parenting skills.
"Occasionally people will say, well if you all don't really believe in the traditional ideas of gender, why did you assume him being born male means he is a boy?" Reese said. "If someone says, tell me more about what your thoughts are about how we should treat kids when it comes to gender, that's so much better than, well why are you calling him a boy?"
On the general experience of pregnancy:
It's possible to acknowledge that trans pregnancy presents unique challenges that are different from cis pregnancy and still treat any pregnant person you know the same way. No two pregnancies, even from the same person, are the same. If you want to learn more and know what something was like, ask questions that are open. Reese suggested things like, "truly, how has it been for you?" rather than, "what's it like being trans and pregnant?"
"If you are asking a question that is essentially an accusation or a criticism, instead of an actual question, then don't ask that question," Reese said. "Being pregnant is a physically difficult experience, it's an emotionally difficult experience, and we should be protective of people who are pregnant. We should be caring for them, we shouldn't be coming at them with accusations."
And before you go playing twenty questions with a pregnant friend, Reese suggested asking their permission first. That way they cay say no if they don't feel like talking about it. Pregnancy is exhausting enough as it is.
"I really love sharing how exciting it was when I could start to feel him moving, or when I first saw the heartbeat, or when I first felt him kicking, or when my partner first felt him kicking," Reese said. "There's so many wonderful parts, too. Don't just ask what's been horrible, ask what's been great."
