Ways Non-Gestational Parents and Caregivers Can Connect to Their Baby
In many LGBTQ families, there are parents who are not genetically related to their children. Whether you used a donor, are parenting through adoption, or married into parenthood, you’re one of THOUSANDS of loving parents who have no biological connection to your kids. But of course, LGBTQ people know that love, not biology, makes a family. Still, though, non-gestational parents may wonder how you can build a deep bond with a baby you didn’t carry or aren’t genetically related to. Here are some tips for being engaged with a pregnancy process and building a connection with the newest member of your family!
During Pregnancy
Throughout a pregnancy, the person who is pregnant will have lots of appointments with their care provider(s). Attending these appointments can be a way for those who are not carrying a child to hear and see their child as it develops. Because of pandemic conditions or scheduling challenges, it might not always be possible for you to attend these appointments, but there’s still hope! An alternate way to get some of that experience is to monitor on your own. Fetal heart dopplers can be used at home and allow families to hear the heartbeat of their baby. Many midwives and doulas own these at-home monitors, and are willing to bring them to home visits or loan them to expectant parents.
During pregnancy, the person who will give birth is going through many physical changes. If you were hoping to be pregnant yourself, you may feel disappointed as you watch your partner’s body shift and change. One way to have a biological connection to a new baby, and to have physical experience related to parenthood, is to induce lactation. People of all biologies and genders can potentially induce lactation. Feel free to read here more about lactation successes in the transgender community.
While a fetus is still in utero, they are able to hear the world around them. As early as the second trimester, their ears will be developed enough that parents can engage with their babies from the outside. They are not able to hear clearly, but activities like reading a favorite book to them can help the baby become familiar with what other loving care-givers sound like. Music and singing are also popular ways to connect with your future baby, and research shows that infants remember and recognize familiar sounds and voices they were exposed to during gestation.
The Newborn Weeks
Even if you are not nursing, feeding time with your little one is a valuable opportunity for bonding. Whether you’re using a bottle or a supplemental feeding system (a tube that is taped onto your chest in order to replicate body-feeding), when you use skin-to-skin touch and eye contact, research shows that the oxytocin effects (the rush of “love hormone” that nursing parents sometimes describe as a “high”) are identical to those who are feeding their baby using their own body.
Skin-to-skin contact is when a caregiver and child are together with no cloth barrier between them. It can be a bonding activity beyond feedings as well. Newborns benefit from heat and the breath regulation that is created by being directly upon a caregiver. Babies who have been in the NICU and adoptive infants who have experienced trauma are especially helped by skin-to-skin contact (sometimes called Kangaroo Care). This can be done however is comfortable to you and your baby. Commonly skin-to-skin is done while sitting or laying down (just try not to fall asleep!). Another way to naturally integrate skin-to-skin time into your routine is to do it right after bath time.
Revisiting the activities that were done while your child was in utero can be a totally new experience now. Reading aloud provides critical benefits to children from a very early age and is a great way for caregivers to engage with children of any age. Music and sing-a-longs are another activity that can be enjoyed a totally new way after your child is born. Bringing play into your time with your child is a great way to get to know them in a relaxed way.
It can be a challenge to feel seen as a parent or caregiver when your family doesn’t fit typical molds. Know that here at Trans Fertility Co., we see you and the wonderful worlds diverse families like yours create. We will continue to share and support a wide array of fertility, pregnancy, and birth needs. To share your story or to ask questions, please email Adennis@Collaborate.Consulting.
